The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F summary. By Mark Manson [Book Summary & PDF]

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F summary: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. by Mark Manson 

Not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different. —Mark Manson

 

 

About the Author: Mark Manson is an American self-help author, blogger, and entrepreneur. He is the author of MarkManson.net and a #1 NYTimes Bestseller of –The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. This book has been translated into 25 languages, and over a million copies were sold in its first few months. He is also the CEO and founder of Infinity Squared Media LLC. 

The subtle art of not giving a fuck is a dose of raw, refreshing truth, that is sorely lacking today. 

Manson Does not sugarcoat anything in his writings. The man tells it like it is.

In this summary, we’ll unfold some of the critical components Mark highlights in The Subtle Art of not giving a f*ck, and how you can implement these strategies into your own life.

The four main ideas 💡 

• The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is accurate, immediate, and essential.
• Seeking out something important and meaningful in your life is the most productive use of your time and energy.
• Accepting your life experience as vast and beautiful is the most significant thing you can do for your happiness.
• There is no value in suffering when it is done without purpose.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Summary

DON’T TRY

The positive and happy self-help stuff we hear all the time; is fixating on what we’re lacking. We stand in front of the mirror and repeat affirmations, saying we’re beautiful because we don’t already feel beautiful.

The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important. —Mark Manson

Ironically, this fixation on the positive, on what’s best, what’s better, or superior, only repeatedly reminds us of what we are not, what we lack, or what we should have been but failed to be. After all, no pleased person needs to stand in front of a mirror and recite her happiness. She just is.

 THE FEEDBACK LOOP FROM HELL

Everyone wants you to believe that the secret to a good life is to have a more admirable job, a better car, or a prettier girlfriend through the lens of “Hey, my life is cooler than yours.” social media type can have a toll on us. I mean, if you look at your Facebook feed, everybody seems to be having a fucking grand old time, and you can’t help but think your life sucks even more than you thought. And so, we can’t help but ask ourselves:

What’s WRONG with me?

• We feel sad about the fact that we feel sad, or 
• we feel guilty for feeling guilty, or 
• we get anxious for being anxious. 

The feedback loop is when we get caught up in the state of judging our emotions. And it’s not necessarily these emotions that are good or bad; it’s what we do about them and how we react to them.

The more we judge or try to shut those emotions out, the worse they become.

This crisis is no longer material; it’s a spiritual crisis. We have so much stuff and many opportunities that we no longer know WHAT to give a f*ck about. This is a Problem! Mark Mason is saying. However, It can be dealt with.

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The subtle art of not giving a fuck

• Subtlety #1: Not giving a fuck is not about being indifferent. It just means you’re comfortable with being different. Don’t say fuck it to everything in life, only to the unimportant things.
• Subtlety #2: To not give a fuck about adversity, you must first care about something more important than difficulty.
• Subtlety #3: Whether you realize it or not, you always choose what to give a fuck about. The question is, “How is this serving me right now?” The moments we stop giving a fuck and take action are often the moments that most define the path of our lives.

HAPPINESS IS A PROBLEM

We have this thesis that governs our assumptions and beliefs about happiness; we call it the algorithmic of joy. We told ourselves that if I achieved X, I could be happy. If I look like Y, then I can be satisfied.

This hypothesis, however, often fails. 

Happiness is not a solvable equation. If you look at people, places, things, or circumstances for fulfillment or happiness, you will be disappointed again. You can’t be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.

 Wanting a positive experience is a negative experience. Accepting negative experiences is a positive experience. 

It’s what the philosopher Alan Watts used to refer to as the “law of reversed effort,” also known as the “Backward law.” The more you always pursue feeling better, the less satisfied you’ll become. Seeking something only refers to your lack of it in the first place.

• The more desperately you want to be rich, the poorer or unworthy you feel, regardless of how much money you make.
• The more desperately you want to be happy and loved, the lonelier and more afraid you become, irrespective of who you surround yourself with. Albert Camus once said, “You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” 

Discontentment and turmoil are deep-rooted parts of human nature and, as we’ll see, are also fundamental for creating consistent happiness.

SUFFERING

Suffering from your fears and anxiety allows you to build courage and perseverance.

Practical enlightenment is becoming comfortable with the idea that SOME SUFFERING IS INEVITABLE. 

• The avoidance of suffering IS a form of pain.
• The avoidance of struggles is the struggle.
• The denying of failure is a failure.
• Hiding what’s shameful is itself a form of shame.

Note: There’s an internal challenge that we face as human beings: no matter how successful we become, we still have these internal battles, stress, and problems that will occur regardless of how much money we have or friends. And if we don’t know how to deal with our inner battles, we will get overwhelmed and suffer. So, it is a constant awareness of letting go, working on ourselves, and enjoying the process of where we are no matter what’s happening in our lives.

HAPPINESS COMES FROM SOLVING PROBLEMS

The solution is in the “solving” of the problem, not by wishing it to go away. No one is ever going to have a life free from problems. Even if you solve all of your immediate questions, any leftover worries will seem more significant by comparison.

Solving or overcoming our problems is like an engine that generates happiness.

Eventually, avoiding crucial problems in the present will make you feel miserable. We get to control what our problems mean to us based on how we think about them and measure them.

Don’t hope for a life without problems. There’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life with good problems

Happiness is a constant work in progress because solving problems is a continuous work in progress. The solutions to today’s issues will generate a relation for tomorrow’s challenges, and so on.

True happiness occurs when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.

SET APART YOUR EMOTIONS

Don’t ask yourself what you want out of life. It’s easy to desire success, fame, optimal health, and great sex. I mean, who wouldn’t want any of those, right? There’s nothing wrong with that. However, the more interesting question is, “What kind of pain do you want?“

If you are passionate about something, you will continue to pursue it even if it’s complicated.

By not giving a fuck about the pain your goals depend upon, you can then become unstoppable.

What we are willing to struggle for is a more significant determinant of how our lives turn out.

Look, we all love to fantasize about dreams and desires, but we cannot daydream all the time; we must also simultaneously Love the process because the joy is in the climb itself.

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL 

Entitled people feel as though their problems deserve to be treated differently.

They begin to see all adversity as injustice and all challenges as automatic failures…

It puts them in a state of constant feedback that can only drive them insane and keep them from growing personally.

Manson says that the way to combat this is not to choose to be exclusive or unique but to see yourself ordinarily like an average person with everyday problems.

It’s essential to focus on the things immediately in front of you and the things that will have a lasting impact on your life.

People base their self-worth on being right about everything to prevent themselves from learning from their mistakes. The old saying goes, ‘The man who believes he knows everything learns nothing.’

The accurate measurement of self-worth is not how a person feels about her positive experiences but rather how she thinks about her negative experiences. 

Note: The truth is, there’s no such thing as a personal problem. If you’ve got a question, chances are millions of other people have had it in the past, have it now, and will have it in the future. They are likely people you know too. That doesn’t minimize the problem or mean that it shouldn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean you aren’t legally a victim in some circumstances. It just means that you’re not special.

THE TYRANNY OF EXCEPTIONALISM 

Most of us are pretty average at most things we do. Even if you’re exceptional at one thing, chances are you’re mediocre at another, possibly below average. Few of us have ever become exceptional at more than one job or, if anything, at all.

We’re not all destined to do something extraordinary with our lives, and that’s completely fine.

And frankly, who gives a fuck?

Nowadays, it’s tough to be extraordinary at the extreme.

The commonness of technology and mass marketing is screwing up a lot of people’s expectations for themselves. 

This flood of extreme information has conditioned us to believe that exceptionalism is the new normal.

And because we’re all quite average most of the time, we feel pretty damn insecure and desperate. Because clearly, we think we are somehow “not good enough.”

Technology has solved old economic problems by giving us new psychological problems. The Internet has not just open-sourced information but also open-sourced for greater insecurity, self-doubt, and shame.

If everyone were extraordinary, then by definition, no one would be extraordinary. To be truly great at something requires a shit ton of time and energy to do it.

The secret to your emotional healing is to accept the mundane truths of life: truth, such as “Your actions don’t matter that much in the grand scheme of things” and “The vast majority of your life will be boring and not noteworthy, and that’s okay.”

The pleasure of superficial friendships, creating something, helping someone in need, reading a good book, and laughing with someone you care about might sound boring, but those ordinary things matter.

THE VALUE OF SUFFERING

If suffering is inevitable, we should not ask, “How do I stop? But “Why am I suffering? For what purpose?

Our Problems may be inevitable, but the meaning of each problem is not. We get to control what our problems mean based on how we choose to think and measure them.

When suffering means something, we can endure it or even enjoy it. When we can accept this noble truth, it lessens our pain.

VALUES AND METRICS 

Some values and metrics are better than others. 

If your values and metrics are based on evaluating others and competing for status, you will likely be distressed and constantly worried about “the Joneses.” So the question is not why we consider ourselves against others, but by what standard do we measure ourselves?

If you want to change how you see your problems, you must change your value and measure failure/success.

SHITTY VALUES 

1. Pleasure. Pleasure is great, but it’s a horrible value to prioritize your life around. Ask any drug addict. It is the easiest to obtain and the easiest to lose.
2. Material success. People who measure their self-worth based on several status symbols they can collect are often shallow and probably assholes.
3. Always being right. People base their self-worth on being right about everything to prevent themselves from learning from their mistakes. They close themselves off from new and vital information and do not often cooperate with others. Humans are always wrong; making weak assumptions and misjudging others is part of our nature. So if your metric for life success is always right, you’ll have difficulty rationalizing a decent conclusion.
4. Staying positive. While it’s still good to keep on “the sunny side of life,” the truth is, sometimes life sucks. And the healthiest thing we can do is admit it. (Constant positivity is a form of avoidance, not a solution to all life’s problems.)

This is why these values—pleasure, material success, always being correct, and staying positive—are poor standards for a person’s life.

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DEFINING GOOD VALUES AND BAD VALUES 

Ethical values are reality-based values that focus on the present moment. They are socially constructive, immediate, and controllable. 

Good values: Honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself and others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, and creativity. Morality, for instance, is good value. It’s something you have complete control over. It reflects reality, and it benefits others.

Wrong values are… you’ve guessed it, the complete opposite. They are not immediate or controllable.

Here are a few examples.

• Dominance through manipulation or violence
• Indiscriminate fucking
• Feeling good all the time
• Always being the center of attention
• Not being alone
• Being liked by everybody
• Being rich for the sake of being rich
• Sacrificing small animals to the pagan gods.

Values are about prioritization. The benefits that you prioritize above everything else influence your decision-making.

YOU ARE ALWAYS CHOOSING

Often the only difference between a problem being painful or powerful is the sense that we chose it. And are responsible for it.

• When we feel that we’re choosing our problems, we feel empowered. And also responsible for the outcome.
• And when we think that they are being forced upon us, we feel victimized and miserable against our will.

We don’t always have control over what happens to us. Only how we chose to respond to a situation.

Note: The point is we always decide whether we recognize it. Always. To not give a fuck about anything is still to give a fuck about something. The real question is, what are we choosing to give a fuck about.

RESPONSIBILITY/FAULT FALLACY

Most people believe that to be responsible for your problems is also to be at fault for your problems. Of course, this is far from the truth; there’s a difference between blaming someone else for your concerns and someone that is responsible for your job. However, accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.

The more we accept responsibility for our lives, the more power we will exercise.  

THE HANDS WE’RE DEALT 

We all get dealt cards; some get better cards than others. We can either sit there or complain. Or we can choose to play our hands wisely by the choices we make of those cards.

The beauty of poker is that luck is always involved. But doesn’t dictate the long-term result of the game. The winner gets determined by the choices each player makes.

THERE IS NO “how”

Do or do not; there is no how; you are already choosing in every moment of every day what to give a fuck about. So change is as simple as choosing to give a fuck about something immediate and essential. 

YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING 

When we learn something new, we don’t go from “wrong” to “right.” Instead, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong. 

And when we learn something additional, we go from slightly less wrong to slightly less wrong than that.

We are always in the process of approaching truth and perfection. Unfortunately, we never actually ever reach the truth or perfection.

We shouldn’t seek to find the ultimate “right” answer for ourselves. But instead, find ways where we’re wrong today and be a little less corrupt tomorrow. 

Certainty is the enemy of growth. Nothing is for sure until it has already happened. All we know is what hurts at the moment and what doesn’t.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU BELIEVE 

All of our beliefs are wrong. Some are just less wrong than others. Our brains are meaning machines. Our brain’s associations between two or more experiences generate what we understand as “meaning.” 

Not only does our memory sucks, but to a point, that eyewitness testimony isn’t necessarily taken seriously in court cases anymore.

When we experience an event or situation, we remember it slightly differently a few days later.

Every new piece of information is measured against the values and conclusions we already have. As a result, our brain is always biased toward what we believe to be correct.

THE DANGER OF PURE CERTAINTY 

Certainty is not attainable. The pursuit of confidence often breeds more (or even worse) insecurity.

Uncertainty, on the other hand, is the root of all progress and all growth. The more we admit we do not know, the more opportunities we gain to learn.

Note: The only way to solve our problems is first to admit that our actions and beliefs up to this point have been wrong and are not working. This openness to being wrong must exist for any real change or growth.

Manson’s Law of Avoidance

The more something threatens our identity, the more likely we will avoid it and get around taking the proper forms of action—it’s how our brain is wired—to protect and live up to those values we’ve placed on ourselves.

That is to say, If I believe I’m a nice guy, I’ll avoid situations that could contradict that belief. 

 If I think I’m an excellent cook, I’ll repeatedly seek opportunities to prove that to myself. In essence, belief always takes preference.

There’s an absolute comfort that comes with knowing how we fit in the world. Anything that shakes up that comfort—even if it could potentially make our lives better—is fundamentally scary.

We cannot overcome our avoidance and anxiety until we change how we view ourselves and what we believe we are and are not. We cannot change.

HOW TO BE A LITTLE LESS CERTAIN OF YOURSELF 

Knowing yourself or finding yourself can be dangerous. It’s best never to know who you are because that keeps you striving and puts you in a constant state of discovery. Therefore, it forces you to remain humble in your judgments.

Manson points out that questioning ourselves and doubting our thoughts and beliefs is one of the most complex skills to develop.

But it can be done.

Here are some questions that will help you breed a little more uncertainty in your life:

1. What if I’m wrong?
2. What would it mean if I were wrong?
3. Would wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem for both others and me?

FAILURE IS THE WAY FORWARD

The magnitude of your success is tied to how many times you’ve failed at something. In his book, “The Outliers,” Malcolm Gladwell explained that it takes about 10,000 hours to be considered an expert at any skill set.

No matter how many times you’ve failed, keep practicing. It’s along those hours of practicing, failing, and trying different tactics and methods where success happens.

It’s pretty similar to “the law of averages.“ This stated: The more failures or rejections you’ve acquired at a particular experiment, the more likely your following approach could succeed. With that in mind, think of a door-to-door salesperson.

PAIN IS PART OF THE PROCESS 

It’s essential to feel the pain when chasing after desirable values.

When we feel intense pain, we’re willing to look at our values and ask why they seem to be failing us.

The “Do Something” PRINCIPAL

We can be successful only at something we’re willing to fail at. If we’re unwilling to die, then we’re reluctant to succeed. 

The thing about motivation is that it’s not only a three-part chain but rather an endless loop.

It goes something like this:

Inspiration → Motivation → Action → Inspiration → Motivation → Action → Etc.

The action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s also the cause of it. Do something, and inspiration will follow.

Action → Inspiration → Motivation

If you lack the motivation to make an essential change in your life, do anything— even if it’s tiny- and let the right actions cascade.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SAYING NO 

It’s crucial to express our true feelings and stay true to ourselves. Otherwise, we stand for nothing.

If nothing is better or more desirable than anything else, then we are empty, and our life is meaningless. We are without values and therefore live our lives without any purpose.

The act of choosing a value for yourself requires rejecting alternative values. We all must give a fuck about something to value something. And to love something, we must leave what is not that something. To evaluate X, we must reject non-X.

Honesty is a natural human craving. But part of having goodness in our lives is becoming comfortable with saying and hearing the word “no.”

In this way, rejection makes our relationships better and our emotional lives healthier.

HEALTHY & UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP 

The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship comes down to two things:

1) How well each person in the relationship accepts responsibility.

2) The willingness of each person to reject and be rejected by their partner.

For a healthy relationship, both people must be willing and able to say no and hear no. Without that, boundaries cannot break down.

A healthy relationship is not about controlling one another’s emotions but about each partner supporting the other in their individual growth and solving their own problems.

It’s not about giving a fuck about everything your partner gives a fuck about; it’s about providing a fuck about your partner regardless of the fucks they provide. 

 TRUST

When our highest priority is always to make ourselves feel good or make our partner feel good, nobody ends up feeling good. And the relationship falls apart without you even knowing it.

Without trust, relationships can no longer function. So, it’s either rebuild the trust or say your goodbyes. 

This is what’s so destructive about cheating. It’s not about sex. It’s about the trust that has been destroyed due to sex.

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COMMITMENT

Commitment allows you to focus strictly on a few significant goals. And achieve a higher degree of success than you otherwise would.

It’s about Investing deeply in ONE person, place, job, etc…

Although one activity might deny us the freedom of experiences we’d like, pursuing a range of experiences denies us the opportunity to enjoy the rewards of the depth of the experience.

Weirdly, committing to one thing offers more freedom than anything else because it relieves you of all the second-guessing about what else is out there.

It makes decision-making easier and removes any fear of missing out, knowing that what you already have is good enough.

After all, you must go out there and discover what seems worth investing in. However, remember, depth is where the gold is buried. 

And…THEN YOU DIE

We’re all driven by fear to give way too many fucks about something because giving a f*ck about something is the only thing that distracts us from the reality and inevitability of our death.

And to honestly not give a single fuck is to achieve a quasi-spiritual state of embracing the impermanence of one’s existence.

In that state, one is far less likely to get caught up in various forms of entitlement.

Without acknowledging the ever-present gaze of death, the superficial will appear necessary, and the important will seem superficial.

Death is the only thing we can know with any certainty. And yet, death scares us. And because it scares us, we avoid it, talking about it, sometimes even acknowledging it, even when it’s happening to someone close to us.

SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOURSELF

The only way to be comfortable with death is to understand yourself as something bigger than yourself, choose values that go beyond serving yourself, and are simple, immediate, controllable, and tolerant of the chaotic world around you.

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This summary is not intended to replace the original book, all quotes and resources are credited to the author and publisher mentioned above. Thank you.