The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F summary: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. by Mark Manson
Not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different. —Mark Manson
About the Author: Mark Manson is an American self-help author, blogger, and entrepreneur. He is a NYTimes Bestseller of –The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. Which has been translated into 25 languages, with millions of copies sold. Get in touch with him at https://markmanson.net/
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a dose of raw, refreshing truth, that is sorely lacking today. Manson Does not sugarcoat anything in his writings. The man tells it like it is.
In this summary, we’ll unfold some of the critical components Mark highlights in The Subtle Art of not giving a f*ck, and also how you can implement these insights into your own life.
The four main ideas 💡
- The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; says Manson, it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is accurate, immediate, and essential.
- Seeking out something important and meaningful in your life is the most productive use of your time and energy.
- Accepting your life experience as vast, and beautiful is the most significant thing you can do for your happiness.
- There is no value in suffering when it is done without purpose.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Summary
DON’T TRY
The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important. —Mark Manson
Ironically, this fixation on the positive, on what’s best, what’s better, or superior, only repeatedly reminds you of what you’re not, what you lack, or what you should have been but failed to be.
After all, no pleased person needs to stand in front of a mirror and recite her happiness. She just is. Fuck all that fakery, and low self-esteem nonsense.
THE FEEDBACK LOOP FROM HELL
Everyone wants you to believe that the secret to a good life is to have a more admirable job, a better car, or a prettier girlfriend—through the lens of “Hey, my life is cooler than yours, shit crap”
If you internalize all these crap-filters at face-value, it can have a toll on you mentally.
Look at your Facebook feed for instance, everybody seems to be having a fucking grand old time. You on the other end, can’t help but think your life sucks even more than you thought.
And so, you can’t help but ask yourself:
What the fuck is WRONG with me?
- You feel sad about the fact that you feel sad, or
- You feel guilty for feeling guilty, or
- You get anxious for being anxious.
The feedback loop, says Manson, is when you get caught up in the state of judging your emotions.
And it’s not necessarily that these emotions are good or bad; it’s what you do about them and how you react to them, that often determine your overall mental health.
The fact is, the more you judge or try to shut those emotions out, the worse they’ll become. This bloody crisis is no longer material, says Manson, but it’s a spiritual crisis.
Nowadays, you have so much stuff and many opportunities, that you no longer know WHAT to give a f*ck about.
This is a fucking Problem! Says Mason, yet, It can be dealt with.
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The 3 Subtleties To The Art of Not Giving a Fuck
- Subtlety #1: Not giving a fuck is not about being indifferent. It just means you’re comfortable with being different. Don’t say “fuck it” to everything in life. Only to the unimportant things.
- Subtlety #2: To not give a fuck about adversity, you must first care about something more important than the difficulty.
- Subtlety #3: Whether you realize it or not, you always choose what to give a fuck about. The question to ask is, “How is this serving me right now?” The moments you stop giving a fuck and take action, will often be the most define the path of your life.
HAPPINESS IS A PROBLEM
Beware of the algorithmic of joy. Which is a thesis that governs your assumptions and beliefs about happiness. The algorithmic of joy is that concept you have at the back of your head that says, “if I achieved X, I could be happy.” or “If I look like Y, then I can be satisfied.” This hypothesis, says Manson, often fails. Why? because happiness is not a fucking solvable equation.
You can’t be happy, says Manson, if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.
As Manson points out, “Wanting a positive experience is a negative experience. Accepting negative experiences is a positive experience.” I know, its sort of a mindfuck twisted paradox. Similar to what philosopher Alan Watts referred to as the “law of reversed effort,” also known as the “Backward law.”
In other words, The more you always pursue feeling better, the less satisfied you’ll become.
And seeking something only acknowledges your lack of it in the first place. In addition:
- The more desperately you want to be rich, the poorer or unworthy you feel, regardless of how much money you make.
- The more desperately you want to be happy and loved, the lonelier and more afraid you become. Regardless of who you surround yourself around.
Discontent and turmoil are deeply-rooted into the human nature, and as you’ll see, they are also fundamental for creating consistent happiness.
SUFFERING
Practical enlightenment is becoming comfortable with the idea that some Suffering is inevitable.
- The avoidance of suffering IS a form of pain.
- The avoidance of struggles is the struggle.
- The denying of failure is a failure.
- Hiding what’s shameful is itself a form of shame.
So, it is a constant awareness of letting go, working on yourself, and enjoying the process of where you are, no matter what is happening in your life at the moment.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM SOLVING PROBLEMS
The solution is in the “solving” of the problem, says Manson, not by wishing it to go away.
Manson reminds us that, “No one is ever going to have a life free from problems. Even if you solve all of your immediate questions, any leftover worries will seem more significant by comparison.“
“Solving or overcoming our problems is like an engine that generates happiness.“
Avoiding crucial problems in the present will eventually make you feel miserable.
You get to control what your problems mean to you, based on how you think about them and measure them.
Don’t hope for a life without problems. There’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life with good problems. —Mark Manson.
“Happiness,” says Manson, is a constant work in progress because solving problems is a continuous work in progress.
The solutions to today’s issues will generate a relation for tomorrow’s challenges. But true happiness occurs when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.
SET APART YOUR EMOTIONS
Don’t ask yourself what you want out of life, says Manson, because It’s easy to desire success, fame, optimal health, and great sex. Heck, who wouldn’t want any of those, right?
There’s nothing wrong with that.
The more interesting question you should ask is, “What kind of pain do I want?“
If you’re passionate about something, says Manson, you will continue to pursue it even if it’s complicated.
By not giving a fuck about the pain that your goals depend upon, you can then become unstoppable.
What we are willing to struggle for is a more significant determinant of how our lives turn out. —Mark Manson.
The truth is, Manson explains, is that we all love to fantasize about dreams and desires. But we cannot daydream all the time; we must also simultaneously Love the process, because the joy is in the climb itself.
YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL
“Entitled people,” says Manson, feel as though their problems deserve to be treated differently. They begin to see all adversity as injustice and all challenges as automatic failures…
As a result, this puts them in a state of constant feedback that can only drive them insane! keeping them from growing personally.
Manson says, the way to combat this is not to choose to be “exclusive or unique” but to see yourself ordinarily like an average person with everyday problems.
It’s necessary to focus on the things that are immediately in front of you, that will have a lasting impact on your life.
People base their self-worth on being right about everything, says Manson, just to prevent themselves from learning from their mistakes. And as the old saying goes, ‘The man who believes he knows everything learns nothing.’
The accurate measurement of self-worth is not how a person feels about her positive experiences but rather how he/she thinks about the negative experiences.—Mark Manson.
Note: The truth is, there’s no such thing as a personal problem. If you’ve got a question, chances are millions of other people have had it in the past, have it now, and will have it in the future. They are likely people you know too. That doesn’t minimize the problem or mean that it shouldn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean you aren’t legally a victim in some circumstances. It just means that we’re not so special.
THE TYRANNY OF EXCEPTIONALISM
Manson recognized that most of us are pretty average at most things we do. Even if you’re exceptional at one thing, chances are you’re mediocre at another, possibly below average.
Few of us have ever become exceptional at more than one job or, if anything, at all.
We’re not all destined to do something extraordinary with our lives, says Manson, and that’s completely fine.
And frankly, who gives a fuck? Seriously.
The commonness of technology and mass marketing is screwing up a lot of people’s expectations for themselves. —Mark Manson.
This flood of extreme information has conditioned us to believe that exceptionalism is the new normal. And because we’re all quite average most of the time, says Manson, we feel pretty damn insecure and desperate. Clearly, we think we are somehow “not good enough.”
“Technology has solved old economic problems,” says Manson, by giving us new psychological problems. The Internet has not just open-sourced information but also open-sourced for greater insecurity, self-doubt, and shame.“
Manson points out that, If everyone were extraordinary, then by definition, no one would be extraordinary.
To be truly great at something requires a shit ton of time and energy to do it.
The secret to your emotional healing is to accept the mundane truths of life: truth, such as “Your actions don’t matter that much in the grand scheme of things” and “The vast majority of your life will be boring and not noteworthy, and that’s okay.”
THE VALUE OF SUFFERING
If suffering is inevitable, we should not ask, “How do I stop suffering? But “Why am I suffering? For what purpose?
Manson points out that, “Our Problems may be inevitable, but the meaning of each problem is not. We get to control what our problems mean based on how we choose to think and measure them.“
When suffering means something, explains Manson, we can endure it or even enjoy it.” If you can accept this noble truth, it will lessen your pain.
VALUES AND METRICS
Manson reminds us that some values and metrics are better than others.
If, for example, your values and metrics are based on evaluating others and competing for status, you will likely be distressed and constantly worried, trying to keep-up with The Joneses.
So the question, Manson wants us to ask ourselves, is not why we consider ourselves against others, but by what standard do we measure ourselves? Because If you want to change how you see your problems, you must change how you value and measure failure/success.
SHITTY VALUES
- Pleasure. Pleasure is great, says Manson, but it’s also a horrible value to prioritize your life around. Ask any drug addict. It’s the easiest to obtain and the easiest to lose.
- Material success. People who measure their self-worth based on status symbols they can collect are often shallow and probably assholes.
- Always being right. People who base their self-worth on being right about everything to prevent themselves from learning from their mistakes. They close themselves off from new and vital information and do not often cooperate with others. Manson believes we humans are always wrong; making weak assumptions and misjudging others is part of our nature. So if your metric for life success is always right, you’ll have difficulty rationalizing a decent conclusion.
- Staying positive. While it’s still good to keep on “the sunny side of life,” says Manson, but the truth is, sometimes life sucks. And the healthiest thing you can do is admit it. (Constant positivity is a form of avoidance, not a solution to all life’s problems.)
In conclusion, these values—pleasure, material success, always being correct, and staying positive—are poor standards for a person’s life.
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DEFINING GOOD VALUES AND BAD VALUES
Ethical values, says Manson, are reality-based values that focus on the present moment. They are socially constructive, immediate, and controllable. Good values such as: Honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself and others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity, and morality, are for instance, good values. These are things you have complete control over. They reflect reality, and benefit others.
Wrong values are the complete opposite. They are not immediate, nor controllable. For examples:
- Dominance through manipulation or violence
- Indiscriminate fucking
- Feeling good all the time
- Always being the center of attention
- Not being alone
- Being liked by everybody
- Being rich for the sake of being rich
- Sacrificing small animals to the pagan gods, and so on.
As Manson puts it, “Values are about prioritization.” The benefits that you prioritize above everything else influence your decision-making.
YOU ARE ALWAYS CHOOSING
Manson points out that often the only difference between a problem being painful or powerful is the sense that we chose it. And are responsible for it.
- When you feel that you are choosing your problems, you feel empowered. And also responsible for the outcome.
- Likewise, when you think that they are being forced upon you, you feel victimized and miserable against your will, right? so to not give a fuck about anything is still to give a fuck about something. The real question is, what are we choosing to give a fuck about.
We don’t always have control over what happens to us. Only how we chose to respond to a situation
RESPONSIBILITY/FAULT FALLACY
Most people believe that to be responsible for your problems is also to be at fault for your problems. Of course, this is far from the truth; there’s a difference between blaming someone else for your concerns and someone that is responsible for your job.
Manson reminds us that accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.
The more you accept responsibility for your life, the more power we will exercise. Its that plain and simple.
THE HANDS WE’RE DEALT
We all get dealt cards, says Manson, some people get better cards than others.
You can either sit there and complain. Or you can choose to play your hands wisely by the choices you make of those cards.
Manson points out that the beauty of poker is that luck is always involved, but it doesn’t always dictate the long-term result of the game. The winner gets determined by the choices each player makes.
THERE IS NO “How“
Do or do not; says Manson, there is no how. You’re already choosing in every moment of every day what to give a fuck about, don’t you? So change is as simple as choosing to give a fuck about something immediate and essential.
YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING
When we learn something new, we don’t go from “wrong” to “right.” explains Manson, Instead, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong. And when you learn something additional, you go from slightly less wrong to slightly less wrong than that.
Manson points out that, “You shouldn’t seek to find the ultimate “right” answer for yourself. But instead, find ways where you’re wrong today and be a little less corrupt tomorrow.”
Certainty is the enemy of growth. Writes Manson. Nothing is for sure until it has already happened. All we know is what hurts at the moment and what doesn’t.
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU BELIEVE
Manson believes that all of our beliefs are wrong.
Some are just less wrong than others.
Your brain is a meaning machine. It will make associations between two or more experiences, then generate what you understand as “meaning.” And not only does our memory sucks, but to a point, eyewitness testimony isn’t necessarily taken seriously in court cases anymore.
When you experience an event or situation, you remember it slightly differently a few days later. Every new piece of information, says Manson, is measured against the values and conclusions you already have. As a result, your brain is always biased toward what you believe to be correct.
THE DANGER OF PURE CERTAINTY
Manson clarifies that certainty is not attainable. Often the pursuit of confidence usually breeds more (or even worse) insecurity.
Uncertainty, on the other hand, Manson believes is the root of all progress and all growth. The more you can admit you do not know something, the more opportunities you’ll gain to learn.
Manson’s Law of Avoidance
The more something threatens your identity, says Manson, the more likely you’ll avoid getting around to taking the proper forms of action. This is just how our brain is wired. It’s designed to protect you, and live up to those values you’ve placed on yourself.
In other words, If I believe I’m a nice guy, I’ll avoid situations that could contradict that belief. If I think I’m an excellent cook, I’ll repeatedly seek opportunities to prove that to myself.
In essence, belief always takes preference.
Manson says, “There’s an absolute comfort that comes with knowing how we fit in the world. Anything that shakes up that comfort—even if it could potentially make our lives better—is fundamentally scary.”
It’s not until you change how you view yourself, and what you believe you are, and are not, that you’ll start to overcome your avoidances and anxiety.
HOW TO BE A LITTLE LESS CERTAIN OF YOURSELF
Manson believes that knowing yourself or finding yourself can be dangerous.
It’s best never to know who you are, says Manson, because that keeps you striving and puts you in a constant state of discovery. This in turn, forces you to remain humble in your judgments.
Manson believes that questioning and doubting your thoughts and beliefs is one of the most complex skills to develop.
Some of the questions that will help you breed a little more uncertainty in your life are the following:
- What if I’m wrong?
- What would it mean if I were wrong?
- Would wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem for both others and me?
FAILURE IS THE WAY FORWARD
The magnitude of your success is tied to how many times you’ve failed at something. In his book, “The Outliers,“ Malcolm Gladwell suggests that it takes about 10,000 hours to be considered an expert at any skill set. So, No matter how many times you’ve failed, keep practicing. This is pretty similar to “the law of averages.“ which states that, the more failures or rejections you’ve acquired at a particular experiment, the more likely your following approach could succeed. Think of a door-to-door salesperson.
PAIN IS PART OF THE PROCESS
“It’s necessary,” says Manson, to feel pain when chasing after desirable values. And when you feel intense pain, you’ll be more willing to look at your values and ask why they seem to be failing you.
The “Do Something” PRINCIPAL
“You can be successful only,” explains Manson, at something you’re willing to fail at. and If you’re unwilling to die, then you are also reluctant to succeed.
The thing about motivation, says Manson, is that it’s not only a three-part chain but rather an endless loop.
It goes something like this:
Inspiration → Motivation → Action → Inspiration → Motivation → Action → Rinse & Repeat..
The action isn’t just the effect of motivation, it’s also the cause of it. Do something, and inspiration will follow.
Action → Inspiration → Motivation
If you lack the motivation to make any changes in your life, do it anyway. Do anything— even if it’s tiny- and let the right actions to cascade.
THE IMPORTANCE OF SAYING NO
It’s crucial to express your true feelings and stay true to yourself, otherwise, you’ll stand for nothing.
Honesty, says Manson, is a natural human craving. But part of having goodness in our lives is becoming comfortable with saying and hearing the word “no.” Saying no will makes your relationships better, and your emotional life healthier.
HEALTHY & UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship comes down to two things:
1) How well each person in the relationship accepts responsibility.
2) The willingness of each person to reject and be rejected by their partner.
For a healthy relationship, Manson suggests that both people must be willing and able to say no and hear no. Without that, boundaries cannot break down.
A healthy relationship is not about controlling one another’s emotions but about each partner supporting the other in their individual growth and solving their own problems. —Mark Manson.
Manson points out that, It’s not about giving a fuck about everything your partner gives a fuck about; rather it’s about providing a fuck about your partner regardless of the fucks they provide.
TRUST
When your highest priority is always to make yourself or your partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. As result, the relationship falls apart without you even knowing it.
Without trust, explains Manson, relationships can no longer function. So, either you rebuild the trust or say your goodbyes.
This is what’s so destructive about cheating. It is not about the sex, says Manson, It’s about the trust that has been destroyed due to sex.
COMMITMENT
Commitment allows you to focus strictly on a few significant goals. And when you do commit to something, you achieve a higher degree of success than you otherwise would. Commitment is about Investing deeply in ONE thing, one person, place, job, etc…
Although one activity might deny you the freedom of experiencing a range of ventures, you’ll experience these selected endeavors in far greater depth. The Irony, as Manson points out, is that committing to one thing offers more freedom than anything else because it relieves you of all the second-guessing about what else is out there.
It makes decision-making easier and removes any fear of missing out, knowing that what you already have is good enough.
You must go out there and discover what seems worth investing in. And remember, that depth is where the gold is buried.
And…THEN YOU DIE
Manson remarks that we’re all driven by fear to give way too many fucks about something. And that’s our human nature. Because giving a fuck about something is the only thing that distracts us from the reality and inevitability of our death.
And to not give a single fuck, is to achieve a quasi-spiritual state of embracing the impermanence of one’s existence.
In that state, one is far less likely to get caught up in various forms of entitlement.
Without acknowledging the ever-present gaze of death, the superficial will appear necessary, and the important will seem superficial. —Mark Manson.
Death is the only thing we can know with any certainty. And yet, says Manson, death scares us. And because it scares us, we avoid talking about it. Sometimes even acknowledging it, even when it’s happening to someone close to us.
SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOURSELF
The only way to be comfortable with death, explains Manson, is to understand yourself as something bigger than yourself. And so, choose values that go beyond serving yourself, that are simple, immediate, controllable, and tolerant of the chaotic world around you. Because the more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, as Norman Vincent Peale reminds us, the more energy you will have. All you gotta do is change your thoughts and you change your world.
The End.
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This summary is not intended to replace the original book, all quotes and resources are credited to the author and publisher mentioned above. Thank you.
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