The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans [Book Summary]

“In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner learns to tolerate abuse without realizing it and to lose self-esteem without realizing it. She is blamed by the abuser and becomes the scapegoat. The partner is then the victim.”
― Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans subtitle: How to Recognize It and Respond (1992). 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is divided into two parts and 20 chapters.

The book is somewhat disorganized and repetitious. For example, Evans does not explain the specific ways that verbal abuse manifests until Part 2 of the book, but nonetheless, there’s bits of the gold nugget that you can take away from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

If you ever felt victimized by verbal abuse in your life, then this book is for you.

Also, please keep in mind that my notes are informal and often contain key lessons and important passages from the book.

And so, without further delays, please enjoy.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

KEY TAKEAWAY

Verbal abuse, also called emotional abuse or psychological abuse, is a pattern of behavior in which the abuser attempts to injure and dominate his partner through mind games emotionally. 

• It is a pattern of psychological violence involving an attempt to define the partner’s reality negatively, frequently by putting her down and denying her experience.
• In a verbally abusive relationship, the abuser and the partner tend to have different motivations.
• The abuser feels powerful and constantly tries to dominate, while the partner trusts the abuser and tries to cooperate.
• A verbal abuser tells his partner what she thinks and feels, leaving no room for her own experience.
• He will likely explode in anger over nothing, and then blame her for causing his outbursts. When his partner tries to explain or defend herself, the abuse often worsens.

Verbal abuse often goes hand in hand with physical abuse. Typically worsens over time, often turning into physical violence.

• It’s important for women who feel unsafe to leave the situation or call 911.
• Research has shown that when one type of domestic violence is present in a household—psychological, sexual, or physical over time.
• Verbal abuse does more long-term psychological harm than physical abuse. Most victims themselves affirm this.
• One long-term effect of emotional abuse is the negative impact on a victim’s self-worth.
• Decreased self-esteem makes it even harder for the victim to cope with abuse or leave the abuser.
• In male-female relationships, the man is the emotional abuser the vast majority of the time.
• Those who believe they are being abused should turn to outside support from friends, family, or a therapist.
• Then, the victim needs to focus on paying close attention to her feelings and learning to trust them.

A verbal abuser will consistently seek to exercise dominance and control. The abuser feels powerful and constantly tries to dominate, while the partner trusts the abuser and tries to cooperate.

• An abuser may tell the partner what he feels and what his motivations are.
• He will declare that her thoughts are wrong and that her opinions and accomplishments mean nothing.
• Emotional abuse can sometimes manifest as criticism in the form of a joke.
• A verbal abuser may also call his partner names, order her around, or threaten to leave if she doesn’t obey his demands.
• An abuser may attempt to control communication by delaying discussion through denial or by changing the subject.

In verbally abusive relationships, the abuser and the partner have different motivations.

• Both verbal abusers and victims usually have grown up in emotionally abusive homes.
• Typically, the victim has some sympathetic figure in her childhood, so she develops empathy.
• The verbal abuser does not develop this empathy, so he feeds on the victim’s weaknesses. The purpose of feeling powerless in his childhood often creates a need to dominate others.
• For this reason, he is always trying to make use of his power over her and does not treat her as an equal.
• Despite that, she regards him as an equal. She finds it difficult to try to understand him and work through their problems together.
• Physical violence can be passed down from parent to child just as emotional violence is.
• When a child grows up around physical or emotional violence, it may become normalized to act the same way.

Verbal abuse is difficult to recognize.

• Verbal abuse is all the more dangerous because it is hard to identify.
• The abuser denies having spoken or acted in an abusive way, making the pain and confusion even more irritating.
• Under those circumstances, the victim feels the need to question herself and her perceptions.
• This type of abuse takes place in private; because the abuser is usually well-behaved in public.
• What’s more, the abuser says he loves his partner, and she tends to believe him.
• For the victim, the hardest part of addressing verbal abuse is recognizing it. Once that’s done, the victim is ready to begin moving on to an abuse-free life.

Effects of verbal abuse on the partner include a loss of self-esteem and self-trust. Other signs of verbal abuse include feeling unstable, confused, or fearful.

• The longer she is abused, the more the victim loses herself.
• She begins to distrust herself and believes something is wrong inside.
• Therefore, she becomes tense and vigilant and develops a desire to run away.
• The victim still trusts that her abuser is well-meaning and believes that she can fix the relationship if she fixes herself.
• Other indicators of verbal abuse include feelings of confusion, mental dizziness, emptiness, and shock.
• If a partner feels “off,” that is, she understands something is wrong but can’t put her finger on what it is, the chances are that she is verbally abused.

The first step toward identifying verbal abuse is to ask a friend or therapist if the suspected abuser’s behavior seems out of line.

• Paying attention to feelings is also essential to recognize verbal abuse.
• If a woman suspects that she is the victim of verbal abuse, she should reach out to a friend or counselor for support and advice.
• At the same time, she should try to evaluate her feelings.
• By connecting to and believing her feelings, the victim develops self-esteem.
• Once she has regained some self-confidence, the victim will recognize when she is being criticized or belittled.
• When the victim realizes this, she should try to replace her habitual thoughts with accurate, encouraging, positive thoughts and self-talk.
• This method can help her boost her self-worth, recognize mistreatment, and move away from an abusive relationship. 

A victim should respond to verbal abuse by either leaving the relationship or making clear to the abuser what kind of behavior is unacceptable.

• If a victim decides to stay with the abuser, she can protect herself and urge her partner to change.
• She should seek some counseling and ask the abuser to go with her.
• Then she should clearly state to her partner what kind of behavior is unacceptable.
• Once she has confirmed she’s involved with a verbal abuser, the victim can respond by making it clear that she now sees the abuse and that she won’t accept it.
• The abuser may or may not change.
• If the abuse is severe or if the relationship is new, it is best to end the partnership.
• However, sometimes financial reasons force a woman to stay with an abuser.
• If that is the case, the victim should try to obtain copies of important financial information and store these with a friend.
• She should get a copy of her credit report and check to ensure that her partner did not open any credit cards in her name.
• Just before the victim leaves her partner, she should change all her passwords. Set up new bank accounts under her name and ask for help from friends in finding a job and a new place to live.

Victims of verbal abuse should try to find specially trained therapists.

• When seeking a therapist, a victim of verbal abuse should ensure that the practitioner is trained to identify it.
• A good therapist can help a woman identify and respond to verbal abuse.
• Not all therapists are trained to recognize this type of mistreatment. It is important to choose who one is.
• Once she’s selected a practitioner, a victim should evaluate her level of comfort with the therapist.
• If the therapist does not put her at ease, she should keep searching.
• Verbal abuse has a strong effect on a developing child.
• Children must be protected from verbal abuse, whether from father to mother or from parents to children.
• When a child listens to verbal abuse from father to mother or other family members, a parent should tell the child that the behavior is not acceptable. And should bring the child with her to confront the abuser.
• To avoid parental verbal abuse, parents should enforce limits while ensuring the child knows the parents are listening to the child’s feelings.

The verbally abusive relationship, the partner learns to tolerate abuse without realizing it and to lose self-esteem without realizing it. She is blamed by the abuser and becomes the scapegoat. The partner is then the victim.”
― Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

About the Author

Patricia Evans is an interpersonal communications specialist, public speaker, consultant, and author of five books. She has researched more than 30,000 cases of verbal abuse.

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This summary is not intended to replace the original book. All notes are credited to the above-mentioned author and publisher.

Thank you.

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Footnotes.

About: Author Patricia Evans.” VerbalAbuse.com. Accessed November 15, 2017. http://www.verbalabuse.com/about/