“In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner learns to tolerate abuse without realizing it and to lose self-esteem without realizing it. She is blamed by the abuser and becomes the scapegoat. The partner is then the victim.”
― Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans subtitle: How to Recognize It and Respond (1992).
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is divided into two parts and 20 chapters.
The book is somewhat disorganized and repetitious. For example, Evans does not explain the specific ways that verbal abuse manifests until Part 2 of the book, but nonetheless, there’s bits of gold nugget to take away from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
If you ever felt victimized by verbal abuse in your life, then this book is for you. Also, please keep in mind that my notes are informal and often contain key lessons and important passages from the book.
Please enjoy.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
KEY TAKEAWAY
Verbal abuse, also called emotional abuse or psychological abuse, is a pattern of behavior in which the abuser attempts to injure and dominate his partner through mind games emotionally.
- Verbal abuse is a pattern where one person tries to make the other feel bad about themselves and their reality, often by putting them down or ignoring their feelings. In a relationship like this, the abuser and their partner usually want different things. The abuser wants control and power, while the partner tries to trust and go along with things.
- A verbal abuser will tell their partner what they should think and feel, not allowing them to have their own experience. The abuser might fly off the handle over something small, then blame their partner for making them angry. If the partner tries to explain or defend themselves, the situation usually gets worse.
Verbal abuse often goes hand in hand with physical abuse. Typically worsens over time, often turning into physical violence.
- If a woman feels unsafe, it’s really important for her to get out of the situation or call 911. Studies show that when any type of domestic violence—whether it’s psychological, sexual, or physical—keeps happening, it takes a serious toll over time.
- Verbal abuse can actually cause more long-term harm than physical abuse, and many victims will say the same. One of the biggest effects of emotional abuse is how it messes with a person’s self-worth. When someone’s self-esteem takes a hit, it makes it way harder for them to deal with the abuse or leave the abuser.
- In most male-female relationships, it’s usually the man who’s the emotional abuser. If you think you’re being abused, it’s important to reach out for help from friends, family, or a therapist. The next step is to really pay attention to your feelings and start learning to trust them.
A verbal abuser will consistently seek to exercise dominance and control. The abuser feels powerful and constantly tries to dominate, while the partner trusts the abuser and tries to cooperate.
- An abuser might tell their partner what they’re feeling and what they want, but say that the partner’s thoughts and opinions are wrong. They might even make her feel like her achievements don’t matter. Emotional abuse can also show up as teasing or criticizing under the guise of a joke.
- A verbal abuser might call their partner names, boss her around, or threaten to leave if she doesn’t do what they want. Sometimes, they’ll try to control conversations by avoiding the topic, denying things, or changing the subject.
In verbally abusive relationships, the abuser and the partner have different motivations.
- Both verbal abusers and their victims often grew up in homes where emotional abuse was common. The victim usually had someone in her childhood who showed her kindness, so she learns empathy. But the abuser doesn’t develop that same empathy. Instead, he takes advantage of the victim’s weaknesses. His own childhood, where he likely felt powerless, makes him want to control others.
- Because of this, he’s always trying to use his power over her and doesn’t see her as an equal. On the other hand, she still sees him as an equal and finds it hard to understand him or work through their issues together.
- Just like emotional abuse, physical violence can also be passed down from parent to child. If a child grows up around this kind of violence, they might think it’s normal and end up repeating the same behavior.
Verbal abuse is difficult to recognize.
- Verbal abuse is extra tricky because it’s hard to spot. The abuser often denies saying or doing anything hurtful, which just makes the victim feel more confused and frustrated. This makes the victim start questioning herself and what she’s really experiencing.
- Verbal abuse usually happens behind closed doors because the abuser acts fine in public. Plus, the abuser might say he loves his partner, and she tends to believe it.
- The hardest part for the victim is realizing that the abuse is happening. Once she sees it for what it is, she can start moving toward a life without abuse.
Effects of verbal abuse on the partner include a loss of self-esteem and self-trust. Other signs of verbal abuse include feeling unstable, confused, or fearful.
- The longer someone is abused, the more they start to lose confidence in themselves. They begin to feel like something’s wrong with them, making them tense, on edge, and wanting to escape. They still believe the abuser means well and think they can fix things if they change themselves.
- Signs of verbal abuse include feeling confused, mentally foggy, empty, or shocked. If a partner feels like something’s wrong but can’t figure out what it is, it’s likely they’re being verbally abused.
The first step toward identifying verbal abuse is to ask a friend or therapist if the suspected abuser’s behavior seems out of line.
- Paying attention to feelings is also essential to recognize verbal abuse.
- If a woman suspects that she is the victim of verbal abuse, she should reach out to a friend or counselor for support and advice.
- At the same time, she should try to evaluate her feelings.
- By connecting to and believing her feelings, the victim develops self-esteem.
- Once she has regained some self-confidence, the victim will recognize when she is being criticized or belittled.
- When the victim realizes this, she should try to replace her habitual thoughts with accurate, encouraging, positive thoughts and self-talk.
- This method can help her boost her self-worth, recognize mistreatment, and move away from an abusive relationship.
A victim should respond to verbal abuse by either leaving the relationship or making clear to the abuser what kind of behavior is unacceptable.
- If a victim chooses to stay with the abuser, she can try to protect herself and encourage her partner to change. She should consider seeing a counselor and ask the abuser to go with her. Then, she should make it clear to her partner what behavior is not okay.
- Once she realizes she’s dealing with a verbal abuser, she should let him know that she sees the abuse and won’t tolerate it anymore. The abuser might or might not change.
- If the abuse is really bad or if the relationship is new, it’s often best to leave. However, if financial reasons are keeping her in the relationship, she should try to get copies of important financial information and keep them with a trusted friend. She should also check her credit report to make sure the abuser hasn’t opened any accounts in her name.
- Before leaving, she should change all her passwords, set up new bank accounts in her own name, and ask friends for help finding a job and a new place to stay.
Victims of verbal abuse should try to find specially trained therapists.
- When looking for a therapist, it’s important to find someone trained to recognize verbal abuse. A good therapist can help a woman understand and deal with it, but not all therapists are equipped for this. It’s crucial to pick the right one.
- Once she’s found a therapist, she should feel comfortable with them. If she doesn’t, it’s okay to keep looking.
- Verbal abuse can really impact a child’s development, so it’s important to protect kids from it, whether it’s from a father to a mother or from parents to kids. If a child hears abuse, the parent should let them know it’s not okay and bring the child to confront the abuser.
- To avoid verbal abuse in the family, parents should set boundaries and make sure the child feels heard and understood.
…
Verbal abuse is a serious issue that can have lasting effects on both individuals and families. It’s important to notice when it’s happening, ask for help, and set clear boundaries for your safety.
If you or someone you know is going through it, remember that there’s always help available, and things can get better, a better, happier life is possible.
The verbally abusive relationship, the partner learns to tolerate abuse without realizing it and to lose self-esteem without realizing it. She is blamed by the abuser and becomes the scapegoat. The partner is then the victim.”
―Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
About the Author
Patricia Evans is an interpersonal communications specialist, public speaker, consultant, and author of five books. She has researched more than 30,000 cases of verbal abuse.
This summary isn’t meant to replace the original book. Credit goes to the author and publisher listed above.
Thanks!
Footnotes.
About: Author Patricia Evans.” VerbalAbuse.com. Accessed November 15, 2017. http://www.verbalabuse.com/about/