When Things Fall Apart Pema Chödrön Summary

When Things Fall Apart Pema Chödrön Summary. Heart advice for difficult times.

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When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön Book Summary & PDF

Pema Chödrön is an American Buddhist nun, one of the foremost students of Chögyam Trungpa, and a renowned meditation teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia, Canada—The first Tibetan monastery in North America established for Westerners. She is also the author of several best-selling books including Start Where You Are, The Places That Scare You, and The Wisdom of No Escape.

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when things fall apart by Pema Chodron — When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön

When Things Fall Apart Pema Chödrön Summary In a Nutshell

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön lays out Buddhist teachings and practices that can guide you through these challenging times, to find inner peace and compassion, in the midst of it all.

In this summary you’ll learn:

Accept non-permanence and change. Security is an illusion.
Relax into groundlessness. Give up hope of getting solid ground under your feet.
Suffering is normal. It’s also an inevitable part of life, and the path we must walk. It doesn’t mean something is wrong. it just is. As Chödrön puts it, “Embracing your pain and fears, will allow you to find a deeper sense of connection and purpose in your life.”
You are fundamentally alone. That is not a problem.
Exposing yourself to annihilation builds resilience.
Have fearless compassion for yourself and others.
Open to your thoughts and emotions, don’t close. Notice opinions, and let them go.
Relax and lighten up! Give yourself a break.

Chödrön also uses personal anecdotes, stories, and offers practical exercises that make the principles of Buddhism applicable to everyday life.

As you read or skim through these notes analysis, I hope you’ll get a better understanding of your situation, and what to do next. With that said, here’s When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön. Enjoy.

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Intimacy With Fear

“Fear,” says Chödrön, “is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. The trick is to keep exploring, and not bail out. Even when you discover the truth is not what you thought.”

Don’t beat yourself up, but see it as a way to develop unconditional compassion.

As Chödrön reminds us, “Life is what is, when we let things fall apart. The key is to allow yourself to be nailed to the present moment.“

When Things Fall Apart

Things falling apart is a kind of testing, says Chödrön, but it’s also a kind of healing.

“You might think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem,” explains Chödrön, “but the truth is, things don’t really get solved. What happens is, things come together, and they fall apart. They come together again and fall apart again.”

The solution is to allow room for all this to happen:

Room for grief, room for relief, for misery, and for joy.

Chödrön says, “When you think that something will bring you pleasure, chances are, you’re just assuming. And so, that’s why it’s so important to let there be room for not knowing.”

“When there’s a big disappointment, you don’t know whether that’ll be the end of the story. It may also be just the beginning of a great adventure.”

This Very Moment is the Perfect Teacher

Chödrön believes that those events and people in your life who trigger your unresolved issues could be regarded as good news.

“They are your perfect teacher.”

That is why it’s critical to meditate every day and to repeatedly make friends with your hopes and fears.

As Chödrön points out, meditation is an invitation to notice when you reach your limit. Through meditation, you can clearly see what’s going on with your thoughts and emotions, yet still choose to let them go.

Relax as it is

Chödrön believes that it’s never a good idea to struggle in meditation. You must first relax your body.

“When you breathe in, realize that it’s like a pause or gap,” she explains. Or, as the Austrian psychologist Viktor Frankl would say, “the space between stimulus and response.” Maintaining good posture will also be beneficial since it’ll allow you to be far more relaxed.

These are the six points of good posture:

Seat
Legs
Torso
Hands
Eyes
Mouth

The instructions from the book are as follows:

Sit on a cushion on the floor or in a chair. Keep your back at a 90° angle—not tilting to the right, left, back, or front.
The legs are crossed comfortably in front of you—or, if you’re sitting in a chair, the feet are flat on the floor. The knees are a few inches apart.
The torso (from the head to the seat) is upright, with a strong back and an open front. If sitting in a chair, it’s best not to lean back. If you start to slouch, sit upright again.
The hands are open, with palms down, resting on the thighs.
The eyes are open, gazing slightly downward and directed about four to six feet in front.
The mouth is slightly open so that the jaw is relaxed. Air can move easily through both the mouth and nose, and the tongue rests on the roof of the mouth.

If you ever get distracted during meditation, you can bring your attention back to your body and run through these six points.

Chödrön believes that It’s never a good idea to struggle in meditation. You must, first, relax your body. When you breathe in, realize that it’s like a pause or gap. Or as the Austrian psychologist, Viktor Frankl would say, the space between stimulus and response. And so maintaining a good posture will also be beneficial. Since it’ll allow you to be far more relaxed.

It’s Never Too Late

“The most difficult times for many of us,” says Chödrön, “are the ones we give ourselves. Yet practicing loving-kindness is never too late or too early.”

Chödrön points out that what makes Maitri (a Sanskrit word that can be translated as “friendship,” “friendliness,” or “benevolence”) such a different approach is that we are not trying to solve a problem, make the pain disappear, or become better people.

Chödrön suggests that we give up control altogether, letting concepts and ideals fall apart.

“When you buy into disapproval, you’ll practice disapproval. And when you buy into harshness, you are also practicing harshness.”

The more we do these things, explains Chödrön, the stronger these qualities become.

Discursive thoughts are rather like wild dogs that need taming. “Rather than beating them or throwing stones, we tame them with compassion.” ~Pema Chödrön

Not Causing Harm

Chödrön believes the ground of not causing harm is mindfulness. With mindfulness, you get a sense of clear seeing with respect, and compassion for what you see.

Mindfulness helps you see your desires, aggression, jealousy, and ignorance, as a way to honestly relate to your experiences and respect yourself enough not to judge it.

Fasting, says Chödrön, is another efficient way of making friends with yourself at the most profound level possible.

Hopelessness and Death

The first noble truth of the Buddha reminds us that suffering is part of life.

Without giving up hope—that there’s somewhere better to be, or that there’s someone better to be, Chödrön says you’ll never relax with where you are or who you are. That is why it’s best to begin the journey without the hope of getting ground under your feet.

As Chödrön puts it, “Taking refuge in the Buddha, dharma, and sangha is about giving up hope of getting ground under our feet.“

“Hopelessness is the basic ground.” Says Chödrön, otherwise, you’ll try to make the journey hoping to get security; which is missing the point of it all. This will only lead to disappointment and pain.

Giving hope is an encouragement to stick with yourself, says Chödrön, to make friends with yourself, not to run away from yourself, and to return to the bare bones, no matter what’s going on.

Eight Worldly Dharmas

Chödrön points out that, one of the classic Buddhist teachings on hope and fear concerns what are known as the eight worldly dharmas.

According to Chödrön, the eight worldly dharmas are four pairs of opposites—four things we like and become attached to and four things we don’t like and try to avoid.

First, we’ve got pleasure and pain. We like pleasure, therefore we’re very attached to it. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we don’t like pain.
Second, we like and are attached to praise. And so we try to avoid criticism and blame.

Third, we like and are attached to fame. We dislike and try to avoid disgrace.
And Finally, we are attached to gaining, to getting what we want. On the other hand, we don’t like losing what we have.

Chödrön believes, that when we become consumed in these four pairs of opposites—pleasure and pain, loss and gain, fame and disgrace, and praise and blame—this keeps us stuck in the pain of “samsara.” Which in turn can cause us to suffer.

The eight worldly dharmas are nothing concrete in themselves, says Chödrön. Even more strange is that we are not all that solid, either. You might feel that somehow, you should try to erase these feelings of pleasure and pain, loss and gain, praise and blame, fame, and disgrace, says Chödrön, but a more practical approach would be to get to know them, see how they have a hold on you, how they colored your perception of reality, and overall, how they are not all that solid.

In meditation, for instance, you can notice how these emotions and moods are connected with—having, lost or gained, being praised or blamed, and so forth.

When you begin living your life this way, (investigating these emotions) you’ll get to explore, and notice these familiar pairs of opposites in everything you do.

Six Kinds of Loneliness

You don’t deserve a settlement or compensation, says Chödrön, you deserve something far better than that. You deserve your birthright, which is the middle way,—an open state of mind where you can relax with the uncertainty, the mystery, and the ambiguity.

Chödrön points out that, In the middle way, there is no reference point. And a mind with no reference point does not resolve itself, fixate, or grasp.

When you can rest in the middle, says Chödrön, you begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness.

Here are the six ways of describing this kind of loneliness:

Less desire
Contentment
Avoiding unnecessary activity
Complete discipline
Not wandering in the world of desire
Not seeking security from one’s discursive thoughts.

Unless you can relax with these feelings, says Chödrön, then staying in the middle will be very hard when you experience them.

#1. Less desire

Less desire is the willingness to be lonely without resolution when everything in you yearns for something to cheer you up and change your mood.
The less you spin off and go crazy, explains Chodron, the more you’ll taste the satisfaction of this cool loneliness. As the Zen master, Katagiri Roshi, reminds us, “One can be lonely and not be tossed away by it.”

#2. Contentment

Chödrön believes contentment is a synonym for loneliness,—cool loneliness, and settling down with cool loneliness.
You can be lonely with no alternatives, explains Chödrön—content to be right here with the mood and texture of what’s happening.

When you have nothing, you basically have nothing to lose. But since you’ve been programmed in your guts, you feel you have much to lose. Chödrön, believes the feeling that you have a lot to lose, is rooted in fear. Fear of loneliness, of change, or anything that can’t be resolved of nonexistence.

#3. Avoiding unnecessary activities.

Chödrön tells us that when we’re lonely in a “hot” way, we look for something to save us. We look for a way out. We get this queasy feeling that we call loneliness, and our minds go wild trying to come up with companions to save us from despair. But this is an unnecessary activity, says Chödrön. They’re usually habitual ways of using the same old repetitive ways of distancing ourselves from the demon loneliness.

As Chödrön points out, relaxing with loneliness, is a worthy occupation.

#4. Complete Discipline

Chödrön explains complete discipline is having the willingness to return at every opportunity, gently coming back to the present moment.

This basic truth hurts, says Chödrön, and you want to run away from it. But coming back and relaxing with something as familiar as loneliness is a good discipline for realizing the profundity of the unresolved moments of your life. In other words, you are cheating yourself every time you run away from the ambiguity of loneliness.

#5. Not wandering in the world of desire

To Chödrön, not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly to how things are. It’s not about looking for alternatives or seeking something to comfort you—food, drinks, people.

Loneliness is not a problem, affirms Chödrön, It’s nothing to be solved. The same is true for any other experiences you might have.

#6. Not Seeking Security from One’s Discursive Thoughts

Chödrön advices us not to expect security from our own internal chatter. When this happens, label it as “thinking.” Remind yourself that it has no objective reality apart from nagging you. Realize that It is transparent and ungraspable.
You’re encouraged to let it go, and not make much ado about anything.

Cool loneliness, says Chödrön, allows you to look honestly and without aggression at your own mind. You can gradually drop your ideals of who you think you ought to be, or who you think you want to be, and simply give it all up. Look directly with compassion and humor at who you are.

Curious about Existence

There are three truths, says Chödrön, traditionally called the three marks of our existence: Impermanence, suffering, and egolessness. These three words, explains Chödrön, are often described as the rock-bottom qualities of our existence.

Chödrön says, “It’s easy to get the idea that there is something wrong with impermanence, suffering, and egolessness, but fundamentally, there’s nothing wrong with our fundamental situation.”

“In fact,” says Chödrön, “our situations can be celebrated.”

Impermanence: Is the goodness of reality. Just as the four seasons are in continual flux, In the same way everything is constantly evolving. Impermanence, explains Chödrön, is the essence of everything. It is babies becoming children, teenagers turning adults, and older adults, somewhere along the way, dropping dead. Somehow, in the process of trying to deny that things are always changing, says Chödrön, we lose our sense of the sacredness of life.

Suffering: Your suffering is based so much on your fear of impermanence, says Chödrön. And whoever got the idea that you could have pleasure without pain is delusional. Pain and pleasure are like back and front. There are inseparable. Birth is painful, but also delightful. Death is painful and also delightful. In everything that ends, there’s also the beginning of something else. Remember that.

Egolessness: The term “egolessness that Chödrön used here is the same as basic goodness or Buddha nature. According to Chödrön, it’s your unconditional being. Or whatever covers up basic goodness.

Egolessness is a state of mind that has complete confidence in the sacredness of the world. It’s an unconditional joy, says Chödrön, that includes all the different qualities of our experience.

“If there is beauty,” says Chödrön, “then there must be ugliness. If there’s a right, then there must also be a wrong.” Similar to the Seven Hermetic principles in The Kybalion which illustrates the principle of polarity, (As above, so below, hot and cold, and so forth.)

When you can take a fresh, clear, unedited look at reality, says Chödrön, you’ll be able to recognize it as egolessness.

Nonaggression and the Four Maras

Chödrön believes that whether you experience what happens to you as an obstacle and enemy, or as a teacher and friend, will entirely depend on your perception of this reality.

As Chödrön puts it, “What you habitually regard as obstacles are not really your enemies but rather your friends. What may appear to be an arrow or a sword can actually be experienced as a flower.“

Some familiar ways in which we try to avoid what is happening in our present lives are what Chödrön referred to as the four Maras. These four Maras: DevaPutra, Skandha, Kesha, and Yama, are Sanskrit words with the following meanings:

DevaPutra is a Sanskrit word that means seeking pleasure.
Skandha refers to the way we always try to re-create ourselves.
Klesha is a Sanskrit word that signifies how we use our emotions to keep ourselves dumb or asleep.
Yama is another Sanskrit word that means the fear of death.

Chödrön reminds us that the essence of life is that it’s challenging. Sometimes it is sweet, and sometimes it isn’t enjoyable. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes or opens.

Growing Up

Chödrön believes, that listening to talks about the dharma, or the teachings of Buddha, or practicing meditation, are also ways of studying oneself. In fact, it has been said that studying yourself provides all the books you need.

In other words, you can find out what is true simply by studying yourself.

Learning how to be kind to yourself and learning how to respect yourself is important.

As Chödrön points out, when you look into your hearts, and begin to discover what is confusing and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn’t just yourself that you’re discovering–you’re also discovering the universe.

That’s the beginning of growing up. Says Chödrön, and as long as you don’t want to be honest and kind with yourself, you’ll then always going to be an”infant.”

Widening the Circle of Compassion

Chödrön emphasizes the challenge of trying to relate with others compassionately, suggesting doing so will require openness, which in Buddhism is sometimes called emptiness. In other words, not fixating or holding on to anything.

Only in an open space where you’re not all caught up in your own reality, can you see, hear, and feel who others really are. Doing so will allow you to be with them and communicate with them properly.

There’s a slogan in the Mahayana teaching that says, “Drive all blames into oneself.” When it hurts so bad, it’s because I am hanging on so tight.”

Instead of making others right or wrong or bottling up right and wrong in yourself, instead you want to follow the middle way. This middle way involves not hanging on to our version so tightly.

As we learn to have compassion for ourselves, the circle of compassion for others-what and whom we can work with, and how–becomes wider.

It involves keeping your hearts and minds open long enough to entertain the idea that you do it out of a desire to obtain some ground or security when you make things wrong. Equally, when you make things right, you still try to obtain some ground or security.

And If you begin to live like this, you’ll find that you actually can’t make things completely right or completely wrong anymore because things are a lot more slippery and playful than that.

The Love That Will Not Die

Chödrön reminds us that Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way, this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming.

When you don’t close off and let your hearts break, you discover your kinship with all beings. As Chödrön would say, “bodhichitta is always there.”

In other words, a noble or awakened heart is always there.

It manifests as basic tenderness, basic compassionate warmth.

Bodhichitta is available in moments of caring for things we have to maintain, like cleaning our glasses, brushing our hair, how we talk to the kids, and so on. Chödrön says It’s available in moments of appreciation when we notice the blue sky or pause and listen to the rain. She points out that “Whenever we let go of holding on to ourselves and look at the world around us, whenever we connect with sorrow or joy, in those moments, bodhichitta is here.“

Going Against The Grain

Having compassion and caring for others, including those who may have done you wrong, means not running from the pain of finding these things in yourself either.

All you got to do is open up your heart and allow yourself to feel the pain, instead of fending it off or hiding from it.

This practice, says Chödrön, will help you dissolve the walls you’ve built around your hearts.

It will dissolve the layers of self-protection you’ve tried so hard to create.

Going against the grain is realized by practicing what Chödrön referred to as Tonglen. The core of the practice: breathing in others’ pain so they can feel well and have more space to relax and open. In the same vein, breathing out, sending them relaxation, or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness.

“Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us.“~Pema Chödrön.

By doing this process, you become liberated from the very ancient patterns of selfishness, you’ll begin to feel love for yourself and others and take care of yourself and others.

Servants of peace

Chödrön reminds us that we can all Servants of peace. Instead of spending hours and hours disciplining yourself to defeat the enemy, you could instead spend that time eliminating, dissolving the causes of war.

She called this notion, bodhisattva training—or training for servants of peace. (In case you’ve forgot, the word bodhisattva refers to those who have committed themselves to the path of compassion.)

When you are training in peace, says Chödrön, you are not promised that everything will be okay because of your noble intentions. Truth is, there’s no promises of fruition at all. Instead, you’re encouraged to look deeply at the joy, the sorrow, laugh and cry, hope and fear, and all that lives and dies, and to realize that what truly heals are gratitude and tenderness.

Opinions

Chödrön points out that when you’re not in meditation, also begin to notice your opinions, what you’re thinking, just as you’d noticing them when you’re meditating.

“This is a beneficial practice because you have many opinions, says Chödrön, and you tend to take them as truth. But actually, they aren’t the truth. They are just opinions.”

So you can begin to notice them, and you can begin to label them as opinions, just as you’d label thoughts as thoughts.

Chödrön reminds us that, all ego really is our opinions, which we take to be solid, real, and the absolute truth about how things are. But in actuality, says Chödrön, when you hold on to your opinions with aggression, no matter how justified they may be, you add more aggression to the planet, increasing violence and pain.

And so remember that opinions are just opinions, nothing more or less.

Secret Oral Instructions

“How do you work with your resentment, says Chödrön, when your boss walks into the room and yells at you? How do you reconcile that frustration and humiliation while also being compassionate and not harm yourself or others?”

These are tough questions. And under those circumstances, when you feel squeezed like that, you’ll sense the tendency of your mind is to become small.

You may feel miserable, like a victim, like a pathetic hopeless case.

However, says Chödrön, it’s important to realize that at these moment of hassle, bewilderment, or embarrassment; your mind could become bigger.

And you can kid yourself for a while that you understand meditation and its teachings, but at some point, you have to face it, especially when its at an inconvenient time.

“In life,” says Chödrön, you can either cling to security or let yourself feel exposed as if you had just been born and you’re completely naked. In that awkward, ambiguous moment, is your own wisdom mind. Right there in the uncertainty of everyday chaos is your own wisdom mind.

Three Methods for Working with Chaos

Chödrön reminds us that times are difficult globally. And so, “Awakening” is no longer a luxury or an ideal, It’s becoming critical that you learn how to relate sanely to difficult times.

She highlights three traditional methods for working with chaos:

The first method we’ll call: No more struggle.
The second method is: Using poison as medicine.
The third method is: Seeing whatever arises as enlightened wisdom.

Let’s break these methods down, and elaborate further on them.

1. No More Struggle

No more struggle simply means that when you sit down to meditate later today, don’t make a big fuss about the thoughts that keeps on popping up in your mind. Call it as it is, “Thinking,” then return to the breath. Whatever arises, you can look at it with a nonjudgmental attitude.

As Chödrön points out, meditation practice is how you’ll stop fighting with yourself, and how you’ll stop struggling with the circumstances, emotions, or moods. Let all those stories go, says Chödrön, because the innermost essence of mind is without bias.

2. Using Poison as Medicine

When anything difficult arises—any conflict, feeling of unworthiness, or anything that feels distasteful, embarrassing, or painful—breathe that sh*t in instead of trying to get rid of it.

You’ll breathe it in for everybody.

This poison is not just your personal misfortune, fault, or shame—it’s part of the human condition. It’s your kinship with all living things. The substance you need, to understand what it’s like to stand in another person’s shoes.

Chödrön reminds us that you can use your difficult situations to awaken your genuine caring for others, who, just like you, often find themselves in pain.

3. Seeing Whatever Arises as Enlightened Wisdom

Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, also stresses on the concept of being in the moment. Related to what Chödrön teaches, its the idea of accepting whatever arises, completely without judgment.

In terms of everyday experience, these methods encourage us not to feel embarrassed about ourselves, but to realize that there’s a lot of juicy stuff we could be proud of.

Chaos is part of our home ground, says Chödrön, so don’t be looking for something higher or purer, simply work with it just as is.

The Trick of Choicelessness

Chödrön points out that “The teachings of Buddhism, are directed at people who don’t have much time to waste.”

That includes all of us, whether we know it or not. And when we try to look for alternatives ways, Chödrön tells us that this only keep us from realizing that we’re already in a sacred world.

Chödrön says, whether you’re looking for alternatives like better sighs than you see, better sounds than you hear, or a better mind than you have—all these desires will only keep you from realizing that you could stand with pride in the middle of your life, and from realizing that it’s a sacred mandala, or circle of balance and harmony.

Chödrön makes it clear that we don’t experience the world fully, unless we’re willing to give everything away. Samaya Chödrön tells us, means not holding anything back. This also Include not preparing our escape route, looking for alternatives, or thinking that there’s plentiful time to do things later.

You don’t really have a choice, stresses Chödrön. The choice that you think you have is called ego. Its what’s keeping you from realizing that you are in a sacred world.

This choice, says Chödrön, that you think you have is like blinders, earplugs, and nose plugs. You are thoroughly conditioned so that the minute the seat gets hot or even think it’s going to get hot, you jump off. The trick of this choicelessness, says Chodron, is to sit on the hot seat and commit to your hot seat experience.

Reversing the Wheel of Samsara

Many people say meditation is not enough and you’ll need therapy and support groups to deal with your most stuck patterns. And this can be extremely helpful for some of us, says Chodron, to consider working with a nonjudgmental therapist that will allow you to overcome your fears and finally develop loving-kindness for yourself. But at the same time, Chodron believes the dharma, or the teaching, is more revolutionary, and that for many of us, the teaching itself supplies the tools and support you need to find your own beauty, insight, and ability to work with neurosis and pain.

The key, as Chödrön clarifies, is in changing your habits, in particular, the habits of your mind.

That’s what the dharma is about my friend; turning all your habits around, reversing the process of how you make everything so solid, and reversing the wheel of samsara. It starts with catching yourself when you spin off in the same old ways, and when you feel there’s a large problem and you have to fix it. Chödrön tells us, the instruction then is to stop and do something unfamiliar. Do anything besides rushing off in the same old direction, and being up to the same old tricks.

The Path Is the Goal

The path is the goal, says Chödrön, and this path has one very distinct characteristic: It is not prefabricated.

Which means, It doesn’t already exist.

The path that we’re talking about is the moment-by-moment evolution of your experience. The moment-by-moment evolution of your thoughts and emotions.

In other words, the path comes into existence moment by moment, and at the same time, drops away behind us like a wake or the wave a boat generates as it moves forward. Or like riding on a train sitting backward. You can’t see where you’re headed, only where you’ve been.

And when something hurts in life, think of it as your path or wisdom source.

Chödrön points out that how we often think that the reason we’re on the path is to get rid of this painful feeling. We say things like, “When I get to L.A., I won’t feel this way anymore.” (As this was the case for me in the past. Until I went to L.A. to realize the pain was still there.) And Chödrön tells us, at that level of wanting to get rid of our feelings, we naively cultivate subtle aggression against ourselves. In my case, relapsing into partying, excessive eating, drinking, and smoking. Now I’m more compassionate with myself, and my life situation is much better. As Chödrön reminds us, now is the time. If there’s any possibility for enlightenment, it’s right now.

And If you find yourself in what seems like a rotten or painful situation, says Chödrön, and you think, well, how is this enlightenment?” you can remember this notion of the path, and what seems undesirable in your life doesn’t have to put you to sleep. What seems undesirable in your life doesn’t have to trigger habitual reactions. You can let it show you where you’re at, and let it remind you that the teachings encourage precision and gentleness, with loving-kindness toward every moment.

The End.

Thank you for reading.